Married for Five Minutes:
Hope for Living Inside
Real-Life Marriages
Shundria Riddick, M.A.,
LPC & Michelle Stimpson
Release Date: June 28, 2016
Paperback ISBN: 1-943563-05-5
Hardcover ISBN: 1-943563-06-3
Ebook available through online retailers
Publisher:
Edifying Reads, an Imprint of MLStimpson Enterprises
In
ministry to women, I’ve been blessed to meet several Christian sisters who
profess to know Him and be actively seeking God but are still unsure of what a
godly man looks like. Let me be clear: No man is perfect. Some men are
wolves in sheep’s clothing, but I believe that many more just need an
opportunity to grow as people and in their relationship with God before they
are ready to marry.
To
that effect, let me share advice that MANY women have shared with me—clues that
he is either is not a godly man or is not ready to be married to one of God’s
precious daughters at this time. While we are not in a position to judge a
person’s salvation, it is possible to see the “fruit” of the Spirit as clearly
outlined in Galatians 5:22. Each of the characteristics below could easily be
classified under one or more of these traits.
Let
me forewarn you: The tone of the advice is strong because the women who shared
the tidbits were adamant in their discussions. Here goes!
1.
How
does he talk about people? Does he routinely discuss how silly other people
are? Does he speak ill of family members and people who are supposed to be his
friends? Is he the only smart person in his version of what happened at work?
The love of God is manifest in our love for one another. A man who makes a
habit of belittling and fault-finding has not yet realized God’s love for him
and is still full of pride. Eventually, his accusatory finger will turn to
point at you.
Contrarily, a man who speaks life and goodness into and about
others will readily prophesy God’s goodness over every aspect of your marriage.
When tough times come, he will speak edifying words that build you both!
2.
Does
he routinely lead you or tempt you into sin? A man who is sincerely
concerned about your spiritual well-being does not want you to compromise your
faith. The love of God does not lead us away
from His desires for us. If he’s leading you wrong now, what makes you think he’ll lead you right later?
A husband who loves the Lord seeks to obey Him (John
14:23-24). A wife who trusts in the Lord alongside a husband who honors God can
rest in the fact that even when she’s not 100% sure of where her husband is
leading, she can trust that God will honor her husband’s decision and her
obedience.
3.
Does
he initiate conversations about God? Jesus? The Holy Spirit? It would be
impossible for your man to know God intimately and not mention Him in
conversation with someone else he’s bringing into the inner circle (i.e. you).
When the old man dies, the new life is lived through Christ (Galatians 2:20).
If the “new man” is silent, this is a red flag.
Why is this important? The man is the head of the household (1
Corinthians 11:3). A man who actively seeks God for guidance will find it
(Matthew 7:7). What a blessing it will be to know that your husband is
consulting the Master about your marriage!
4.
If he
has children already, is he an active part of their lives? A man who does
not support his children in every way possible has a character problem; he is
not exhibiting the character of God. Such a man is not ready to be married to
you or be the godly father you want for your children. Also, don’t fall for
the, “I don’t have a lot of time,” excuse, either. If he’s had enough free time
to pursue you, he had time to try to keep in touch with his children.
If it’s “in him” to do right by his children and remain
respectful to the mother of his child(ren), he understands what it means to
hold up his end of an obligation.
5.
Could
he support you both financially? A man isn’t ready to be married until he
can adequately provide for a wife and possible children. Even if you two decide
on a two-income household, the question is still could he provide the basic needs if necessary? God didn’t give Adam
a wife until he had a job. Who are we to think we know better than Him?
Do your future husband a favor: Allow him the time he needs to
develop the confidence of knowing that he is capable of being a good provider. An
able-bodied man who knows he can support his wife and children by the grace of
God has fulfilled one of his God-given roles (1 Timothy 5:8). My personal advice
to newly married couples is to try not to create a lifestyle that requires two
full-time salaries.
6.
How’s
his temper? Does he call you outside of your name, curse at you or become
almost scary when he’s angry? Is he easily agitated and impatient? These are
major red flags. A man whose temper flares easily has a minefield of underlying
issues that he needs to deal with before he can even begin to love you like
Christ loved the church. He’s not ready to marry anyone, let alone you.
A patient husband can bring peace into an otherwise volatile
situation. His calm presence alone de-escalates disagreements and keeps drama
out from under your roof. Whether he is patiently teaching your son to tie his
shoes or choosing to make a funny comment instead of arguing, his even temper
will bless your household for years to come.
7.
What
about joy? Is he grumpy? Does he have a good time in the company of friends
or family? Does he enjoy a hobby or is he still searching for what makes him
happy? A man who is trying to find out what makes him “happy” is not ready to
be married because he has yet to realize the Fountain of Life within him.
Beware especially if he says you are the source of joy in his life. This is a
problem because the joy of the Lord is supposed to be his strength, not you
(Nehemiah 8:10). Resist the urge to be his all-in-all. It may be flattering,
but you don’t want that burden for life.
A man who is filled with the joy of the Lord may not walk
around whistling and smiling all the time, but he can face each day with hope,
knowing that Christ will prevail regardless of circumstances. He can roll with
the punches in your marriage because his joy is secure in God.
8.
Does
he forgive easily? Does he hold a grudge against his father? Does he bring
up offenses from the past that he should have released a long time ago? Does he
think everyone is out to get him? Is he the type who cuts people off forever
when they get on his bad side? Forgiveness is a major factor in any successful
marriage. Spouses have to forgive one another on a regular basis and be able to
give one another the benefit of the doubt. If the man you’re dating does not
know how to forgive, he will build up resentment toward the imperfect, “real”
version of you in a short while. He is not ready until he has received
forgiveness and gives it freely.
A husband who forgives easily will be your treasure from now
until death do you part. After all, he has to put up with you, right? Because
he understands how easily Christ forgave him, your husband shares that same
heart for you. He will speak the truth in love in an effort to restore whatever
the enemy is trying to steal from your marriage.
9.
How
well does he communicate? Men and women communicate differently, so this
can be a tricky one. But here’s a pretty good test: When you two have a
disagreement, is he able to patiently listen to your point of view and is he
eager to resolve problems—or at least agree to disagree? A spouse who don’t
communicate often has unspoken expectations that you could never fulfill and/or
harbors undeclared resentments that you won’t even have the opportunity to
rectify until he explodes in destructive communication.
The good news here is that, with effort, your husband can
learn how to communicate the goodness in his heart. A wife who knows what her
husband desires (and vice versa) is in a much better position to give him what
he wants.
10.
Is he
generous? Is he a giving person or does he have an “every man for himself”
mentality? The Bible tells us that God so loved the world that He gave His only
begotten son (John 3:16). A generous, unselfish man who mimics his Heavenly
Father will also be a giver. Does he faithfully support the ministries that
feed believers through financial means? Generosity can even be see in little
things like leaving tips at a meal or a quick donation to kids selling cookies
outside the grocery store. Also, consider how he spends his time. Is it all
used up on him and his interests/endeavors or does he share his time with those
who are in no position to reward him? (Spending time with you doesn't count
because that’s mutually beneficial.) A selfish man is not ready to put his wife
and family above his own desires.
A generous heart goes a long way in a marriage! A generous
person approaches finances, time, goals, and even sex with a considerate
mindset. Quite frankly, wives tell me that it’s just flat-out easier to lavish
love on a man who so freely gives of himself.
The bottom line for a godly husband can be summed up in this
question: Does he resemble your Heavenly Father? If you don’t see any fruit, it’s probably because there is no root
or the root hasn’t grown deep yet. No one will ever love you like your Heavenly
Father, but you should at least see some of His characteristics flowing through
the man you intend to marry.
Along this same line, if you’re attracted to a man who
doesn’t show any fruit, you’re not ready to enter a covenant, either, because
no woman of God who understands her value in Christ would sign up to be with
someone so far from her Father’s heart. Don’t make excuses for him or for
yourself.
Seek God about your future spouse. Just today, I was talking
to a newlywed who said to me, “God didn’t say no—so I took that as a ‘yes’.”
Ask God to let you know if this person is His best for you and be willing to
walk away if the answer is “no.”
Finally, know that a real man of God doesn’t want anything
less than a real woman of God. If you
have been leading him into temptation, cursing him out, and paying his bills,
it’s no wonder you are with someone who’s so out of line. This is the blind
leading the blind! Come out of darkness. BE the godly person you want to marry.
Surrender to Christ and let His light shine in you. It will repel the ones who
are not for you and attract one who is.
